Question: I suspect my spouse is cheating. What should I do?

Answer: There is not a simple answer to this question. For some, suspecting their spouse of cheating may be a shock out of the blue. For some, it may be simply another indication that things in the marriage are not going well. And for some, it may be an overreaction to something innocuous. As a family lawyer, when I hear that question, what I hear primarily is fear. Fear of what would happen if the marriage falls apart.

There are often two parts to this fear. One may be panic of losing your closest relationship, source of emotional support and identity as the spouse of this person. A therapist or counselor is a good resource to help you sort through your reaction to these suspicions, how you feel and what you want to do about them. Do you confront your spouse?  Do you take steps to protect yourself in the event of a divorce?  

The second part of this fear is financial. When I hear concerns of infidelity and am asked “what should I do”, what I really hear underlying that question is “How will I support myself and our children if my spouse is no longer there?”  For that question, there are some concrete steps you can take to deal with your fear. I recommend buying an hour of a lawyer’s time to learn your and your spouse’s legal rights and responsibilities in the event of a divorce. Knowing the rules, rights and claims, can convert an amorphous larger-than-life fear into smaller manageable concerns. That lawyer can also talk to you about monthly support, either for you, or for your children or both. My second recommendation is that you get the lay of the land with respect to your family’s finances. What do you own, what do you owe?  How are assets titled?  What do each of you earn?  This can be done by reviewing source documents such as recent tax returns, account statements for bank and investment accounts, and looking at deeds and titles to see whose name(s) are on them. This gathering of information also opens the door to questions about whether your spouse openly shares his or her financial information with you, or keeps some things concealed. That may be a stressor in the marriage by itself.

Both DC and Maryland have become exclusively no-fault divorce jurisdictions. This means that infidelity is no longer a ground for divorce in either jurisdiction. Infidelity, along with other negative behavior during the marriage, can be a factor the Court must consider when determining claims of property distribution or alimony. Each party’s contributions to the support or well-being of the family, or lack thereof, are factors a Court must consider. As are the circumstances of the breakdown of the marriage. A discussion with an attorney can help you decide where you go from here.